Welcome to Garden: Fungi

“I have written the same poem my entire life. It begins with “body” and ends with “I’m sorry.”

―Alok Vaid-Menon

Welcome to Garden: Fungi. This poetic journey encapsulates a profound exploration of identity and self-acceptance, echoing the sentiment that we have been conditioned to fear the very elements that possess the potential to liberate us. It prompts a critical inquiry into the sacrifices made for survival in a world that often demands conformity, compelling us to confront the aspects of ourselves that we have been taught to suppress or deny.

“As I pondered a pronoun change, I began to think of gender less as a scale and more as a landscape. Some people are born in the mountains, while others are born by the sea. Some people are happy to live in the place they were born, while others must make a journey to reach the climate in which they can flourish and grow. Between the ocean and the mountains is a wild forest. That is where I want to make my home.”

― Maia Kobabe

The essence of this exploration lies within the ultimate goal of acceptance of the various facets of my identity- viewing my body as a landscape—every curve, every roll, every stretch mark, every scar, and every tattoo that serves as a promise and a guide marker paving the way to further self connection and healing. This journey is not merely about passive acceptance; it is an active engagement with discomfort, a willingness to confront vulnerability, and a desire to challenge the narratives that have led to feelings of shame and dissociation. The aspiration is to shift the perception of my body from a battleground to a space of neutrality, fostering a life that celebrates individuality rather than one that is governed by fear. 

Shame often arises from a profound fear of rejection, where individuals are anxious about how others view their bodies; instilling feelings of failure and fostering insecurity about their physical self. Recognizing our fears and insecurities can feel perilous, as we worry about how others will view us when we open up about our deepest struggles. Being emotionally vulnerable demands that we face our weaknesses and relinquish control, often making us uneasy about the risk of being hurt or judged.

“What part of yourself did you have to destroy in order to survive in this world?”

― Alok Vaid-Menon

Just as mushrooms thrive under optimal conditions, creating an underground network- I too am creating a love language for myself to grow beneath the surface and stand unapologetically in my power. Garden: Fungi fosters an environment conducive to personal growth and healing through intimate exploration. This involves dismantling the implicit biases and societal structures that perpetuate body terrorism. Body terrorism is the system by which we value some bodies over other bodies, to justify a continuum of oppressive behaviors leading to state and interpersonal violence. Body terrorism is pervasive throughout our culture and is based on the erroneous beliefs that there is one superior type of body or default body; that all should strive for this type of body, all should give preference to people who have this type of body, and anyone who falls short of the default body should be treated differently.

As I work on accepting myself as both a disabled and a nonbinary individual, I realize there are commonalities between these identities. Society often views both as flawed or abnormal, and they are frequently scrutinized by others. The journey towards transformation necessitates a commitment to standing in one’s power without apology, recognizing that the privilege of body neutrality often comes at the expense of other people's comfort. Ultimately, the process of unraveling, though fraught with pain, is essential for rediscovering one’s true self, leading to a profound sense of freedom and authenticity in existence.

I strive to accept all parts of my identity together and to value my body for its unique qualities- instead of lamenting what it lacks by choosing to prioritize my own worth when it seems like others may not. I want the peace which comes from loving myself, as is, and I want to be able to share this peace with others.

“The unravelling is painful but it leads you to you.”

- Elliot page